How Mankind really began. A true story by me, David.
"Fork the spoon," said the diabolical Heavyweight Champion of yak tossing. But the gentle peanut shell would not go quietly into the night, no! He instead drove a particularly loud vehicle with 6 and a half wheels through the mighty forest of which there populated billions of tiny Fee People. The Fee People fled in terror as their mass-metropolitan area was demolished in a single tire tread. businesses and apartment complexes and smutty whore houses of the tiny, innocent yet inbred Fee People all destroyed...but still all was not lost. Out of the thicket arose, no, ERECTED a fierce warrior named...Carl. The brave, strong, (yet often misunderstood) soldier drew his sword from it's fancy sheath he bought on a blue-light special at K-Mart and said these words to the trembling, bed-wetting, piss-ant of a nation that is the Fee People: "Fear not, good citizens! I have traveled great distances for no reason, and I will help you defeat the Tree of Bad Toilets." The Fee People were puzzled and annoyed with the warrior and quickly merged together and devoured him. Just then and old wizzard with herpes emerged from the crowd of horny, drunken elves. "Alas, good fellows," said he. "I have brought forth a remarkable invension. It is a small metal box that can be used to severly burn an enemy's hand if he gets too close to you and you have the hand-eye coordination to quickly shove his fingers into this small opening and pull the lever and wait for the burning heat, like so." The people were in awe of the old man's frighteningly stupid machine. However to humor the wizzard, since he WAS a wizzard and had the capability and making the entire world shove red hot pokers into their anuses simultaneously, each of the Fee People bought the device which the wizzard called "The terrifying hand-hurter-a-real-lotter". No record of this weapon being used in battle has ever been found, however most of the more focused citizens realized the machine could toast bread rather well and make it taste good. Thus, the toaster was born, and the rest of mankind as we know it today, is history!

My Death Clock
Just in case you were wondering, this a very non accurate counter of how long I have left in this crazy ol' mixed up universe of ours.